Mystic Writing Pad

OPERATION: GET DONALD GLOVER TO READ MY COMMUNITY SPEC

Donald Glover’s coming to Park West next Wednesday. The goal (as the title more than suggests) is to personally give him a hard copy of my Community spec script … hmm, maybe I should give Troy more lines? Lulz.

Here’s the plan: Basically, I’ll intercept him as he enters the venue to do a sound-check. According to a friend of mine (let’s call him Xavie B.), there is roughly a 2.5-hour window between said sound-check and showtime … which means I should arrive at Park West 3-4 hours before doors open.

With any luck, in a mind-blowing-ly super awesome ideal world, I will catch him with his pants down as he exits his tour bus. I will then awkwardly approach him and be all like, “DONALD GLOVER YOU ARE THE PERFECT HUMAN SPECIMEN, I’m a huge fan (wait for reaction) … Okay, so, I dunno how often people-trying-to-infiltrate-Hollywood ask you this, but, if you have some down-time on your tour bus (perhaps insert a joke about how the lack of space and privacy doesn’t allow him to jack off), I would REALLYREALLYREALLY appreciate it if you could read my Community spec script- I swear I’m not a hack writer! I mean, if I am a hack, don’t be afraid to tell me, please. My e-mail’s on the title page. I want your brutally honest professional opinion. Even if it’s just a terse holistic gut response, like ‘Ehh’ or ‘This is shit.’ You would be my fucking hero, man- I mean, you’re already my hero, which sounds fucking cheesy but it’s true (wait for reaction; he accepts and has one of his people put the script in his bus) … DUDE, THANK YOU SO MUCH, man. Wait, can we do the Troy-Abed handshake? Am I pushing it? (he says it’s cool; we perform the handshake) … Wow. I have the weirdest boner right now. That was … ok, I’m gonna stop being a fanboy. I LOVE YOU DONALD GLOVER.”

Well … that’s the script, anyway. Hopefully this actually works. I’m starting to wonder if it’s even a good idea to begin with … like, who the fuck wants to be bothered by some sweaty erect kid looking for some short-cut to Hollywood? I feel like the whole interaction could reek of that, because of its aggressiveness. Although, I also feel like Donald Glover could empathize with my situation, since he himself was a college kid writing spec scripts not too long ago.

Also, is it sad that I have hypothetical/pretend conversations with other people in my mind? Like, I do that all the time. Sometimes, before a social gathering or outing, I’ll try to forecast how conversations will pan out, or I’ll at least brainstorm conversation-starting topics, and then proceed from there with my forecasting/scripting. I also often revisit past social scenarios and revise the actual, organically-arisen dialogue, often in a pathetic masturbatory way. Like, if there was a transcript of my high school experience, it would be bleeding profusely with the ink of my revisions - I guess I regret a lot of shit … but who doesn’t sometimes feel like the uncle from Napoleon Dynamite? I hope my reason for loving screenwriting is self-evident, now.

Yikes. “Loving”? Strong verb. I’ll flag it for now and re-evaluate its usage after I’ve written a few more specs. 

2 DO

Spring Break To-Do List:

1. Read Zombie Spaceship Wasteland
2. Read Submarine
3. Apply for internships with Paramount, Second City, and Media Whiz
4. Apply for a MAB board position (fat chance)
5. Finish Chrono Cross
6. Watch seasons 1 and 2 of Misfits (it’s like Heroes and Skins had a bad-ass child)
7. Find a Nintendo 3DS kiosk
8. Re-watch Pulp Fiction to prepare myself for Richard Ayoade’s Community episode this week (an Abed-centric Pulp Fiction parody)
9. Return Zombie Spaceship Wasteland (paid $25 and finished it in one sitting - Patton Oswalt’s an amazing writer)
10. Figure out my major (“C” is for CRISIS)

Not exactly an “MTV WOOOOO!” spring break, but I’m looking forward to it. Except for the 10th item … that’s why it was relegated to the bottom of The List.